One-Line Signatures Captured From The Internet

1. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
2. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
3. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
4. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
5. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
6. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest!
8. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
9. "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
10. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
11. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
12. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
13. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
14. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
15. What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
16. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
17. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
18. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
19. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
20. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
21. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
22. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
23. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
24. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
25. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
26. All generalizations are false.
27. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
28. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
29. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
30. A bad day at Disneyland is still better than a good day at work.