I am the LORD thy God and I give you these Ten Commandments:
- I
am he that brought you out of Egypt (like in the movie), You shall not returneth to Egypt, nor shall you think that the
Pyramids are "cool," "nifty," or "symbolic." That would be putting other gods before Me, and claiming that they are better
architects, which is a sore spot and, hence, right out.
- Y
ou shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vein. Drugs are fine, but mainlining ANYTHING is a bad scene.
- Y
ou shall keep the Sabbath day holy, as well as Columbus Day, and My Kid's birthday. Make sure to look for the bargains
for this last one, though, but don't let it stop you from spending. Remember: The more thou spendest, the holier thou art.
- H
onor they father and thy mother, even if thy father molests thee. For abortions shall not be legal, so thou art stuck with
thy affliction... naneenaneebooboo.
- Y
ou shall not murder, except in the name of Me, My Kid or the Pope or any diocese, or to convert heathens, or to defend
democracy or to hunt queers, women, commies or sissies.
- Y
ou shall not commit adultery. This applies only to married women. Sex is a bad thing as it promotes fun, which is right
out, and must be stopped. I put all this nerves in thy sexual regions to fulfill My quota (damn union labor laws), but that doesn't mean you
can use them just for the sake of pleasure, which is unholy and against Me. Why this is, I dont know, but I dont need to, being God. Someone
get these bugs offa Me!
- T
hou shalt not steal, unless thou art the Pope, any diocese or government leader, or really wealthy, or if thou canst somehow
work it in to the state or national charter.
- T
hou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless thy neighbor is a commie, heathen or queer, which I
despiseth, or unless thou art a Good Christian(tm), in which case thou canst do anything, so long as thou sayest that it is in My name (which
thou wilt anyway).
- G
o ahead and covet.
- T
hou shalt not think. Thought is bad and may lead to Questioning, which is a mortal sin. Go to sleep. Feel comfortable in
thy confusion and kill anyone who questions thou.
